Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
