How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
