so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
