R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
