At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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