My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm bleeding and have questions
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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