I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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