Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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