he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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