Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
