I heard we made out
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
