Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
