the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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