I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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