very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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