True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She tied me up with her honor cords...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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