I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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