Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
