Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
