Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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