don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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