please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
