oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Randomize
