We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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