i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Come on in and take your pants off
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