im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
