His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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