My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
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Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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