Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
