Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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