Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
