I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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