I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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