I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
