she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
it was like eating out sand paper
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
