Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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