There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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