She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
