I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
