I'm so fucking centered right now
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
