Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
