that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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