I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
