He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize