i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
