I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
