3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
