he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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