I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
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I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
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I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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