all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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