Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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