Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
