guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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