Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
