I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
