Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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